Social Networking for Dummies, AKA How to stay safe and protect your family in the Internet age

In my roles as both a psychologist and as a parent, I am often faced with the difficult question of "to facebook or not to facebook".  I am one of the brave ones. I have many many co-workers, colleagues and friends who are parents, who say "No way...I'm not putting MY business out there for anyone to read".  They have a point... but the Internet is a reality, and it's not going away. I am here to tell you, SO FAR SO GOOD. To date, this experiment has not blown up in my face, and you are now reading this blog because I took the risk.

As a 40-something, Generation X-er who did not grow up texting, and did not have my first 286 IBM compatible computer with Prodigy Internet (with a dial-up modem) until I was out of high school, the world of texting, Internet and, now, social networking, was initially a scary and ominous place.  Coupled with being a professional (teacher, doctor, psychologist, therapist, etc), needing to have a professional life with clear boundaries for my patients, but also having family and friends scattered across the globe, this created quite a dilemma for me.  So, I decided to plunge headfirst into the world of the "Interwebs" and the first thing to do my father taught me: arm yourself with education and knowledge.

The most important thing to remember when you turn on your computer and link to the Internet is that anything you put out there is really OUT THERE. You cannot delete things from the Internet.  Pictures, posts, video... no turning back.  If you Google yourself (go ahead, try it) you might be surprised about what you find already out there without your even trying. Imagine if you made a REAL effort to get your name out there? The possibilities are limitless. From a marketing point of view, the Web is brilliant.  Personally, it comes with a great deal of responsibility.

Here are some important things to consider when you, or your family members use social networking sites:

Facebook

• a social networking site that was originally created for college students
• minimum age for joining Facebook is 14 without parental permission (in fact there is a law prohibiting the collection of personal information for children under 13 without parental permission!)
• 500 million users worldwide
• users can choose privacy options, but many have trouble finding these or setting them properly (if you have trouble with this, as someone who knows, it is critical to safeguard pictures and personal information)
• facebook has had some difficulties with privacy practices and breaches have been reported in the news
• Pictures, notes, and other posts can be read by anyone with access

Twitter

• 140 character "tweets" can be sent that give brief information
• not as popular as facebook, but can give "real time" updates and let people know your whereabouts

You Tube

• users can post video, especially risky for teens who post themselves
• content can be removed or protected, but is still at risk for copying and exploitation

MySpace

• Social networking site used a great deal for musical groups
• Minimum age is 14 without parental consent
• Any one under the age of 18 is automatically set to a "private" setting, where their "friend" must know them and their email address to link with them
• Pictures, posts and "bulletins" can be send to everyone in their network

Just remember, all of these sites can be great ways to stay in touch, but they also come with a great deal of responsibility.  I know that some parents out there will disagree with me about this, and the decision to use or not use these sites is one you must make with your family individually.  In addition, there are social networking sites that specifically target children and are kid-friendly.  If you choose to use social media, here are some tips for parents:

1.  Set the ground rules for texting, computer use, and social networking - clear guidelines and consequences for infractions will let your kids know up front what the expectations are, and what will happen if they break the rules.

2. Friend your kid - if they are on facebook, you are on facebook. Doesn't mean you have to publicly comment on everything they say, just be present and keep your eyes open. This can help detect any strangers who your child does not know personally, or can be aware of any cyberbullying that is occurring.  You can also stay on top of what pictures and information they are sharing. 

3. Be a good role model - If you have social networking accounts, use good judgement so your kids can see what it "should" look like. Do not post personal information, cursing or lewd jokes, or inappropriate pictures.

4. If you sense something is wrong, ask questions and LISTEN TO YOUR KID! - The first thing many parents do it say "That's it, no more facebook." or "I am taking your phone".  To a teenager, this feels like social isolation. The best thing to do is develop open lines of communication and use these situations as a teaching opportunity.  I am not saying that there should not be consequences - just "respond" instead of "react".

Arming yourself with knowledge and learning how these sites work is the best defense. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me. I know that I only scratched the surface in this blog. And please remember, help is always available if you or your child is struggling. ASK A PSYCHOLOGIST!

How to help your kids deal with bullies...the REAL deal

When 17 year old Jesse Buchsbaum from Boyertown Area Senior High took his own life, it ignited a firestorm of debate, criticism and discussion. Could this tragedy have been prevented? Was Jesse being bullied? Who was responsible to protect him? We have been watching stories in the national headlines for months about other teens who have been teased, bullied and humiliated. This time, it hit too close to home and a young life was lost.

The truth is, despite many, many parents saying that THEIR child is also the victim of bullies, it is still a phenomenon that few truly understand, and even fewer know how to address.  In this blog, I hope to give some clear facts about bullying, and some concrete tips for both parents and kids to deal with bullies.

In short, bullying occurs when someone intentionally hurts or intimidates another person, and the person has a hard time defending his or herself.   Most of the time, bullying occurs over and over, and can include:

• physical aggression, such as pushing, hitting or throwing things at a person
• teasing or taunting someone
• spreading rumors about someone
• encouraging a group of kids to gang up on someone
• purposely excluding a certain person from a group, just to be mean
• spreading rumors, photos or other hurtful posting through electronic media (texting, social media such as facebook, emails, or posting video without someones permission)

So, now you know WHAT a bully does, but why do they engage in this mean and vicious behavior?  There are several reasons that kids become bullies:

• it makes them feel better, smarter, or stronger than the person they are bullying
• they see other kids doing it
• they want to fit in with a certain group
• it's easier than becoming the target of the bullies

Here are some concrete, ACTION-ORIENTED tips for how to help your child if they are the victim of bullies:

DO:

• the first, and most important thing you can do as a parent is to LISTEN to your child with an open mind and open heart.
• gather information about the situation, including the time, place and people involved
• find out if there are witnesses to the incidents - other children, adults or teachers
• contact school officials, especially if the bullying is occurring in school or on the bus.
• expect the school to respond and to address the problem

 DO NOT:

• do not tell your child to "just ignore it" as this may send the message that you do not take it seriously or minimize the situation
• do not blame your child and say "what did you do to provoke it".  Bullying is never provoked, and is never acceptable
• do not call the parents of the other child, this will often make matters worse
• do not encourage your child to "just hit them back", as this may cause the situation to escalate, cause your child to get hurt, or cause him/her to be disciplined or expelled
• do not react and retaliate against the bully, this will role model poor behavior for your child

Bullying is a community problem, and needs to be addressed at all levels: home, bus-stop, school, playground, and community. It takes a village to raise a child, and takes a strong, consistent message to combat bullying.  Most importantly, help is available.  If you need help, ASK A PSYCHOLOGIST!

This is a helpful website with lots of resources for parents, educators and other helpers to deal with the bullying problem including Tip Sheets and Fact Sheet that are printable resources.

  

 

http://www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/

It's 9:15, do you know where YOUR kid is?

Of course I do, she's sitting right here. On her laptop, Facebooking.  But you may not know as much as you think.  Read on...

In January, 15 year old Phoebe Prince of South Hadley, Massachusetts, entered the national spotlight when she committed suicide, it raised a multitude of questions about bullying. How can this happen? Where were the adults? Why didn't anybody DO something?   Others took the another view; come one, it's just kids! Kids will be kids...hey, I was bullied and I never tried to kill myself! Phoebe's story was a sad one. A teenager who suffered for months of constant bullying. On May 3, 2010, anti-bullying laws were passed in Massachusetts. But not soon enough to help Phoebe.

The reality is, there are many factors that contribute to a person making the forever decision to end their life. Phoebe's death was surely tragic and unnecessary.  But this blog is not about suicide prevention. That will be a topic for another day.  What reading this story really made me think long and hard about, is bullying. And the new and horrible ways kids are using technology to bully each other. 

Teens are sometimes the most difficult group to engage in psychotherapy, especially if they didn't ask for help.  I often acknowledge to them that I would not go back to being in high school for "a million bucks" and that they have it so much harder than my generation did when I was in school. Yes, bullying was around when I went to Spring-Ford High School in the 80s.  To be honest, I encountered bullying first hand when I was in 10th grade, when a group of older girls bullied me for - well, I am still not sure why.  I am one of the lucky ones. With the help of my parents and the school, I was able to work things out and it didn't last.  I can't imagine having this day in- day out and having to cope with that type of rejection. And I can't imagine the pain that Phoebe Prince was feeling the day she ended her life.

Being a kid today is tough. Plain and simple. 

The latest generation of kids has found ways to use the latest technology to engage in bullying. This relatively new phenomenon is called, aptly, "cyberbullying".  If you think it's not a problem, think again.

Here's how it happens:  According to the National Organization for Victim's Assistance (NOVA) reports that "kids will commonly send hurtful text messages to others or spread rumors using cell phones or computers. Kids have also created web pages or profile pages on social networking sites making fun of others. With cell phones, adolescents have taken pictures in a bedroom, a bathroom, or other locations where privacy is expected, and posted or distributed them online. More recently, some have recorded unauthorized videos of other kids (or adults) and uploaded them for the world to see, rate, tag, and discuss." Cyberbullying can take a heavy toll on kids. Research has shown that it can affect self-esteem, and can cause kids to feel sad, angry and afraid and embarrassed. Here are some things to consider:

According to NOVA, a child or teenager may be a victim if he or she:

• unexpectedly stops using the computer;
• appears nervous or jumpy when an instant message or email appears;
• appears uneasy about going to school or outside in general;
• appears to be angry, depressed, or frustrated after using the computer;
• avoids discussions about what they are doing on the computer;
• or becomes abnormally withdrawn from usual friends and family members.

A child or teenager may be a cyberbully if he or she:

• quickly switches screens or closes programs when you walk by;
• gets unusually upset if computer privileges are reduced;
• avoids discussions about what they are doing on the computer;
• or appears to be using multiple online accounts (or an account that is not their own).

In general, if your child acts in ways that are inconsistent with their usual behavior when using the computer, it's very important to ask questions and find out WHY.

In order to prevent cyberbullying:

• If your kids are using the Internet, you must educate them about appropriate online behaviors (and kids must follow the rules)
• Monitor their activities while online. If your kid is on Facebook, you'd better be one of their Facebook friends! (or have a close family member do it) in order to monitor their activity.
• In addition, you can use an "Internet Use Contract" and/or a "Cell Phone Use Contract"  (I have posted the links below) to lay out the rules and expectations. 
• Kids need to learn that inappropriate online actions will not be tolerated. If they break the rules, follow though on the consequences
• If you discover that your child is cyberbullying others (yes, it could happen), be sure to let your child know how their behavior affects others whether it is the "real world" or in "cyberspace". The anonymity of the Internet often allows people to do/say things they would not say in a face to face interaction. 
• Firmly enforce consequences; structure is how kids learn the boundaries!
• If an incident was particularly serious, you may want to install tracking or filtering software as a consequence.
• Moving forward, it is essential to pay even greater attention to the Internet and cell phone activities of your kids to make sure that they have internalized the lesson and are acting in responsible ways.

Don't be afraid to ask for help!

To visit the National Organization for Victims' Assistance (NOVA) website rergarding Cyberbullying, use the link:  http://www.trynova.org/victiminfo/readings/cyberbullying.html

To download the cell phone use contract and the Internet use contract, use the links below:
http://www.cyberbullying.us/cyberbullying_cell_phone_contract.pdf

http://www.cyberbullying.us/cyberbullying_Internet_use_contract.pdf